TOTALLY DEVASTATED.
[Edited]
If you asked me, I'm definitely not feeling good now. My body seemed too weak to continue walking. I wanted to express all my feelings into words now. Cant wait that long to be back home typing out this entry. I felt so dead suddenly. My lecture just ended. Dad called 1hr ago. I din picked up the fone, and she's gone forever....
Was supposed to visit my auntie (Gu-Ma) straight after class with my parents todae. All along, since the beginning of the year, she was fighting strongly against her cancer illness. Went for an operation before Chinese New Year and everyone thought it would be fine after that.
As time past, her weight dropped tremendously. The hagged look on her face always brings a tinge of sadness to me. I started to recall, how close she was to me when I was young. Since my mum gave birth to my brother, I was being sent to my cousins' house every weekend. Reason being simple. My mum wanted to have full concentration taking care of my brother cuz' Dad is the sole breadwinner of the family.
I felt neglected ever since then and Gu-Ma was the only one whom I looked upon to. Each and every night, I saw her sitting in the living room, watching midnight chinese ghost movies and eating leftover dinner. She never likes to sit down and eat together with us. She's always the last to have her dinner cuz' she wants her children and husband to eat as much as they wanted.
Eventually, her life gets smoother when her 2nd daughter got married to a rich man. Apparently, my hatred for my cousins started to grow from then onwards. They tend to look down on us too. Their first arrogant grand daughter was being brought to this cruel and reality world. I hate the way they look at us, thus the more I wanted to show my capabilities of survival.
I pity my Gu-Ma. Who serves like a maid in their family. Taking care of baby, cook for the big family, wash all their filthy clothings, clean that fucking big terrace, feed the dogs, etc etc. Soon, she was diagnosed with cancer.
No one wish to tell her the truth. She always thought that she's only suffering with some gastric problem. As time goes by, she gets thinner and thinner. Her whole gastric was being removed cuz' the virus has already spreaded. Chemotheraphy was the worst period she had ever gone thru. I'd never imagined how hagged a person can be from these treatments.
Chinese New Year was the last day I met and talked to her. The next day, the virus in her body was uncontrollable. All along, I din visit her in the hospital. Not even when she's back home. I thought I could still wait a little while.
This is all fated. Finally I promised to visit her today, right after my lecture, yet she's gone. When my hp rang, my heart started to beat faster. I prayed for the best. I hope to see her last moment. I hope to tell her, I AM HERE ALREADY...
Yet, she gone forever. Without even waiting for me. I am so stupid. So dumb. I felt like an idiot. Treasure the love ones who are still beside you now. Treasure the wonderful memories. Only when you starts to regret, you realised its' too late. Life is too fragile. Tell yourself you're very fortunate, to be loved and to love. Tell yourself you're very fortunate, at least you still have a chance to experience while others don't.
This is indeed, a bad April for me. Totally devastated.
While I was on the bus, the sky turns gloomy. I looked up, and I saw her face. Smiling and waving goodbye. I felt like crying, my tears were rolling, I blasted the songs in my mp3 as loud as possible so that I could control my tears. On the way walking back home, the rain started to fall. I guessed, God is crying for her too. I walked in the rain, while others ran as fast as possible because I wanted to feel the drops of tears, that God left for her...
I felt so lonely, all of a sudden......
ps: I'm sorry I cant be there on time. Please forgive me. Rest in Peace.
TIME: 1900 HRS.
If you asked me, I'm definitely not feeling good now. My body seemed too weak to continue walking. I wanted to express all my feelings into words now. Cant wait that long to be back home typing out this entry. I felt so dead suddenly. My lecture just ended. Dad called 1hr ago. I din picked up the fone, and she's gone forever....
Was supposed to visit my auntie (Gu-Ma) straight after class with my parents todae. All along, since the beginning of the year, she was fighting strongly against her cancer illness. Went for an operation before Chinese New Year and everyone thought it would be fine after that.
As time past, her weight dropped tremendously. The hagged look on her face always brings a tinge of sadness to me. I started to recall, how close she was to me when I was young. Since my mum gave birth to my brother, I was being sent to my cousins' house every weekend. Reason being simple. My mum wanted to have full concentration taking care of my brother cuz' Dad is the sole breadwinner of the family.
I felt neglected ever since then and Gu-Ma was the only one whom I looked upon to. Each and every night, I saw her sitting in the living room, watching midnight chinese ghost movies and eating leftover dinner. She never likes to sit down and eat together with us. She's always the last to have her dinner cuz' she wants her children and husband to eat as much as they wanted.
Eventually, her life gets smoother when her 2nd daughter got married to a rich man. Apparently, my hatred for my cousins started to grow from then onwards. They tend to look down on us too. Their first arrogant grand daughter was being brought to this cruel and reality world. I hate the way they look at us, thus the more I wanted to show my capabilities of survival.
I pity my Gu-Ma. Who serves like a maid in their family. Taking care of baby, cook for the big family, wash all their filthy clothings, clean that fucking big terrace, feed the dogs, etc etc. Soon, she was diagnosed with cancer.
No one wish to tell her the truth. She always thought that she's only suffering with some gastric problem. As time goes by, she gets thinner and thinner. Her whole gastric was being removed cuz' the virus has already spreaded. Chemotheraphy was the worst period she had ever gone thru. I'd never imagined how hagged a person can be from these treatments.
Chinese New Year was the last day I met and talked to her. The next day, the virus in her body was uncontrollable. All along, I din visit her in the hospital. Not even when she's back home. I thought I could still wait a little while.
This is all fated. Finally I promised to visit her today, right after my lecture, yet she's gone. When my hp rang, my heart started to beat faster. I prayed for the best. I hope to see her last moment. I hope to tell her, I AM HERE ALREADY...
Yet, she gone forever. Without even waiting for me. I am so stupid. So dumb. I felt like an idiot. Treasure the love ones who are still beside you now. Treasure the wonderful memories. Only when you starts to regret, you realised its' too late. Life is too fragile. Tell yourself you're very fortunate, to be loved and to love. Tell yourself you're very fortunate, at least you still have a chance to experience while others don't.
This is indeed, a bad April for me. Totally devastated.
While I was on the bus, the sky turns gloomy. I looked up, and I saw her face. Smiling and waving goodbye. I felt like crying, my tears were rolling, I blasted the songs in my mp3 as loud as possible so that I could control my tears. On the way walking back home, the rain started to fall. I guessed, God is crying for her too. I walked in the rain, while others ran as fast as possible because I wanted to feel the drops of tears, that God left for her...
I felt so lonely, all of a sudden......
ps: I'm sorry I cant be there on time. Please forgive me. Rest in Peace.
TIME: 1900 HRS.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home